How to Forgive an Abusive Parent: 4 Biblical Steps to True Freedom

“How do I forgive someone who was supposed to protect me, but instead broke me?” It’s the question that sits heavy in the quiet corners of many believers’ hearts, often whispered with tears and a profound sense of guilt, confusion, and pain. I understand completely, and I’ve been there myself.

When the person who caused your deepest wounds is a mother or a father, the pain is uniquely devastating. It’s soul crushing. And let me be clear: this pain does not require a biological connection to cut deep. Whether it was a biological parent, an adoptive parent, a step-parent, or a guardian, the spiritual reality is the same. For me, it was both an adoptive and step parent.

As an adult, you carry the shrapnel of that broken foundation with you. Even if you don’t realize it. You battle the negative mindset loops, the sudden triggers, and the toxic inner critic that echoes their abusive words. I thought that when I moved out of my toxic situation that life would suddenly be okay and things would get better, but that’s not the truth of how things work. Just because you leave a situation doesn’t mean your wounds will be healed.

Will a wounded soldier suddenly be healed just because he leaves the battlefield? No, not without a doctor and assistance. That’s where God comes in: Christ is our doctor.

The Pain in the Process

You read your Bible. You hear sermons on Matthew 6:14: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”

Suddenly, a wave of panic sets in, maybe even frustration or anger. You feel trapped between the reality of your unhealed trauma and the weight of God’s command. You ask yourself: Does forgiving them mean I have to pretend it never happened? Does it mean I have to let them back into my life? Am I a bad Christian because my heart still aches with anger? Does forgiving them mean that I believe what they did was okay?

Maybe you say flat-out, “I don’t want to forgive them, Lord. That’s an unfair request!”

If you’re asking these questions today, I want you to know that you’re not alone. I’ve been right in your shoes, and so have many others. But I’ve got good news: God is not blind to your pain, and biblical forgiveness is not a weapon meant to crush you back into submission.

Let’s dismantle the myths surrounding family trauma and walk through the true, liberating, biblical steps to forgiving an abusive parent, all without sacrificing your safety or your sanity.

Part 1: Dismantling the Myths of Biblical Forgiveness

Before we look at what biblical forgiveness is, we need to firmly establish what it isn’t. For the longest time, I carried some serious misconceptions about forgiveness that only slowed my healing and wounded me more. In the Christian community, a lack of nuance around this topic has inadvertently caused immense spiritual abuse and torment.

I’m here to set the record straight using the beauty and power of God’s Word.

Myth 1: Forgiveness is the Same as Reconciliation

This is the most dangerous misconception in the Church today. Many survivors of parental abuse avoid forgiving because they believe it means they have to pick up the phone, invite the parent back into their lives, or sit at the Thanksgiving table with their abuser.

Scripture completely refutes this. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two entirely different spiritual concepts. Notice that forgiveness is a commandment from God, but reconciliation isn’t.

• Forgiveness is vertical and unilateral (one-sided). It happens between you and God. It requires only one person. YOU. It’s your decision to release that parent to God’s justice.
• Reconciliation is horizontal and bilateral (two-sided). It requires two people. It demands repentance, a change of behavior, and the slow rebuilding of shattered trust, which takes time.

Romans 12:18 tells us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Notice the Holy Spirit includes a massive caveat: If it is possible. With an abusive, unrepentant, or toxic parent, reconciliation is often impossible and spiritually unwise.

Myth 2: Forgiveness Means Minimizing the Abuse

Forgiveness doesn’t require you to downplay the horror of what you experienced. It doesn’t mean you have to pretend it wasn’t serious or damaging. For a while, I thought it did. But forgivness doesn’t look at childhood neglect, cruel words, physical violence, or sexual abuse and say, “Oh, it wasn’t that bad,” or “They were just doing the best they could.“

If they were doing their best, their best was wicked, and that’s not okay. Forgiveness doesn’t rewrite history or sugarcoat sin. In fact, true forgiveness requires absolute, brutal honesty. That’s the only way healing can take place. That’s why it can be so painful and hard at first. You can’t truly forgive that type of sin until you name it clearly for what it was: evil, unjustifiable, and devastating. It means you have to acknowledge everything that happened.

God doesn’t ask you to coddle your abuser; He asks you to bring the raw truth of the sin to the foot of the Cross. He wants to pick up your burden and help you with the weight of everything you’re carrying.

Myth 3: Forgiveness is an Instant, One-Time Emotion

You might pray a prayer of forgiveness on Sunday morning, only to wake up on Monday morning feeling a familiar surge of anger when a memory hits you. Maybe you have a nightmare about the abuse, and you feel like you shouldn’t if you’ve really forgiven the person who hurt you. Does that mean you failed? Does it mean your forgiveness didn’t “take” or that it wasn’t real?

Absolutely not!

Forgiveness is a decision, but healing is a process. Even Jesus pointed out that forgiveness is repetitive. When Peter asked if he should forgive a brother up to seven times, Jesus responded, “Not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22). When it comes to deep parental trauma, you may have to apply the decision to forgive seventy-seven times a day as different layers of grief emerge. Ask me how I know.

Part 2: The Scriptural Steps to Freedom

Walking through this process requires deep reliance on the Holy Spirit. It’s not something you can accomplish through sheer willpower! Here is a biblical framework to guide your steps out of the prison of resentment:

Step 1: Lament and Name the Grief

Before Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, even though He knew exactly how the story would end, He wept (John 11:35).

You need to allow yourself to grieve the parent you wanted or needed, but never received. You’ll have to mourn the childhood that was taken from you. You need to acknowledge the truth that came from everything you endured.

Read the Psalms—specifically the Psalms of Lament. David didn’t hold back his raw emotions from God. In Psalm 10:14, he cries out, “But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand.”

Stop burying the pain under a mask of toxic Christian positivity. Being a Christian doesn’t mean life goes good all the time—the Bible talks often about the trials and tribulations that we will face (James 1:2-4; Romans 5:3-5). But, God also mentions the restoration and strength that comes after (1 Peter 5:10).

Pour out the anger, the sorrow, and the confusion directly to God. He can handle your rage and your tears. Healing cannot begin until the denial stops. Stop going to church and telling people you’re fine when you’re not. Open up, seek guidance, and begin allowing yourself to work through the pain and heal.

Step 2: Relinquish the Right to Vengeance

When someone hurts us, our human nature demands that they “pay” for what they did—boy did I struggle with this. We place them in an emotional debt-prison in our minds, and we hold onto the keys, waiting for an apology, a change, or a catastrophic event to balance the scales.

But holding onto that debt doesn’t hurt your parent; it poisons you. It tethers your emotional state to their behavior. And I’ve got some sad, hard-to-hear news… They may not feel like they owe you an apology. That apology could never come.

Biblical forgiveness means handing the keys of that prison over to the Only Righteous Judge. Romans 12:19 commands us: “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”

When you forgive your abusive parent, you’re not letting them off the hook. You’re simply taking them off your hook and placing them firmly onto God’s hook. You are trusting that the Creator of the universe sees every hidden tear, every closed-door screaming match, and every moment of terror, and that He will execute perfect justice in His time. He may not get you OUT of a situation, but he will get you THROUGH it.

Step 3: Redefine Your Identity Apart from the Abuse

An abusive parent imprints a false identity onto their child. They tell you, through their words or actions, that you are a burden, that you are unlovable, that you are a failure, or that you only have value if you perform perfectly. They may even flat-out ask you, “What’s wrong with you?” or “Why are you like this?”

To break free, you’ll need to practice a radical mindset shift (a renewing of the mind [Rom. 12:2]): taking those toxic thoughts captive and replacing them with the truth of who God says you are (2 Cor. 10:5).

Ephesians 2:10 says you are “God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works.” Psalm 27:10 gives an incredible promise specifically for survivors of parental trauma: “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” I clung to this one when I was learning to heal from my past. Not only did I grow up in a toxic environment, but prior to that I had been put up for adoption.

Your parent gave you your DNA, or maybe they adopted you and gave you a room in their home, but they don’t get to give you your destiny. Your identity is found in the Father who adopted you into His royal family, not the earthly parents who failed their divine assignment. That’s a problem they’ll have to answer for themselves when the time comes.

Step 4: Establish Biblical Boundaries

I want to make it very clear that true biblical love does not enable sin—our God is just (Isaiah 30:18). Allowing an abusive parent to continue verbally tearing you down, manipulating you, or violating your peace is not “honoring your father and mother.” It’s enabling them to heap more judgment upon themselves, and for them to cause more pain.

In the Old Testament, David loved King Saul deeply. Saul was a father figure to him, but Saul became violently abusive and tried to kill David. Did David stay in the palace to show “Christian love” like people tell the abused to do today? No. David fled to the wilderness. He honored Saul’s position from a safe, physical distance, but he refused to let Saul destroy him.

You are fully permitted—and often commanded by wisdom—to set firm boundaries.

• This might mean limiting phone calls to ten minutes.
• This might mean refusing to discuss certain topics.
• In severe cases of unrepentant, ongoing abuse or denial, it may mean total no-contact.

Boundaries are not a punishment for your parent; they are a protection for the temple of the Holy Spirit, which is your mind and body (1 Corinthians 6:19).

Part 3: From Bitterness to True Peace

Forgiveness is not a favor you do for your parent. It is a gift of freedom you accept from God for yourself.

As long as you harbor bitterness, that parent is still controlling you. They are controlling your sleep, your mood, your reactions to your spouse, and the way you parent your own children. You’re essentially letting them control your life. Bitterness is a chain that keeps you locked in the past.

When you choose to walk through these biblical steps, that chain snaps. You finally stop waiting for an apology that may never come. You look at the cross of Jesus Christ, realize how much debt you have been forgiven, and find the supernatural strength to drop the burden of resentment against others.

You can survive what they did to you. More than that, through the healing power of God the Father, you can break the generational curse of abuse and build a life filled with peace, sound mindsets, and holy joy.

Are You Ready to Walk into True Emotional Freedom?

Walking through childhood trauma and rewriting deep-seated mindset loops is incredibly difficult to do alone. The path to true forgiveness is complex, and having an objective, biblically grounded guide can make all the difference.

If you are tired of feeling stuck in past hurts, replaying toxic conversations, and battling anxiety, I am here to help walk you out of the wilderness.

I am currently accepting applications for private, 1-on-1 Christian Transformation Coaching. Together, we will apply scriptural truths to your specific story, establish bulletproof boundaries, and realign your mindset with God’s perfect truth.

[Space is strictly limited to ensure deep focus for every client. Click here to apply.]