The Most Powerful Way to Let Go of Grudges

Are you the type of person to hold grudges against people? Maybe you say something like, “Well they [insert offense] so I just won’t talk to them until they apologize to me.” Even if you aren’t the person saying those things, I’d bet you’ve heard it from others.

But, as Christians, unforgiveness can be our biggest downfall. So, the big question is: How can we be better at forgiving those around us? What can we do to let go of grudges and provide the same grace to others that God provides to us? Is there a secret formula to it all? 

While I don’t think you’ll be impressed with what I’m about to say, I do believe there is a secret formula to forgiveness and how to quickly let go of grudges. Really, I do, and it’s something I’ve tried! AND IT WORKED. But you probably won’t like it. I didn’t in the beginning.

I’ll tell you the secret to it, but first I want to take you on a journey – my journey – and how I know so well what works and what doesn’t. I’m no expert, but what’s better than first hand experience?

Well, without further delay, let’s get into my past and then I’ll tell you the most powerful way to let go of grudges!

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:25; NIV)

Refusing to Forgive – The Domino Effect

I talk about forgiveness and grudges so much and so passionately because – until recently – I’ve been in the clutches of hate. Hate caused by holding a grudge. My hatred of toxic people turned me into one!

You mean you had a grudge for a month or so and got over it?

No, I mean I hated everyone and everything around me after I held a grudge against someone, and it lasted for years. I hated others’ happiness, I hated their success, I hated their strong relationships of pure love, everything! That one grudge was literally destroying my life, and I had no one to blame but myself. I couldn’t even blame the original offender… they weren’t in my life anymore. Not physically, anyway.

Do you want to know what caused all of that hate inside me?

It didn’t happen overnight, and it didn’t just happen because someone hurt me. I had all of that hate in my heart because someone hurt me and I didn’t forgive them. It’s because I held onto a grudge that I needed to let go of way before I finally did. And, the building blocks to forgiveness and happiness may not be what you think.

“Bear with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Colossians 3:13 (ESV)

Where My Toxic Grudge Started

I’d been hurt before and always managed to forgive — but this time was different. I’d given my whole heart to someone who threw it away, leaving a wound deeper than any I’d known.

While I ended up forgiving my boyfriend after a long while (after many, many conversations and plenty of open, honest communication), I still held hate for the girl involved. She knew about our relationship, knew about me, and even went out of her way to lie to my face when I felt something was going on. She giggled while she lied about it, too. I knew then, but I had no proof, so I accepted her words. I even started to believe them. 

But then, he broke up with me, only to get with her a week later.

When I found out the truth and confronted her in the parking lot, she acted like she couldn’t care less — and honestly, she probably didn’t. I’d already been betrayed in ways I never thought possible, and now this snake was standing there, laughing and smirking in my face.

“You know what,” I said, defeated. I threw my hands up in the air, fighting back tears. “I don’t even care anymore. Really, I don’t.” 

Before I could turn around to leave, she smiled wider and responded, “Apparently you do care.”

 No sh*t, Sherlock, I screamed internally. Of course I care! Was she that hollow?!

I don’t think she had a clue that for the last ten years I’d endured more pain then I care to remember. And at that moment? I was at my lowest. I was severely depressed, I’d lost 25LBS in two months, and I was a shell of who I used to be. So much had happened especially in the last five years that I felt like giving up. I was close to my breaking point, and that’s a scary place to be.

How Unresolved Pain Shifts to Hate When You Don’t Let Go of Grudges

I felt like I was dying.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

While I didn’t feel joy anymore, I definitely felt anger and rage. I knew that if I didn’t turn around and leave that parking lot right then, that I’d be leaving later in a cop car and a smeared name. As I gritted my teeth and turned, to my horror I saw my (then ex) boyfriend standing behind me, laughing. He found it funny?! Not only the pain that he was causing me, but his new little toy’s remark which cut even further. OBVIOUSLY I cared; I just didn’t care to fight them over it anymore.

His laughter is the last thing I remember from that night. After that, everything fades — I don’t remember getting in my car, walking away, or where I went afterward.

What Is A Grudge?

The definition of “grudge” is a feeling of deep-seated resentment or ill will.

Let me tell you something… That “deep-seated resentment or ill will” is no joke. You don’t realize just how powerful those emotions are until you have them inside of you, trying to take control. It’s dangerous, and that’s why its important you learn to let go of grudges.

With that being said, the anger I felt on that night wasn’t because of a grudge I had. The grudge hadn’t even started yet. But after that remark, after that smirk, after that carelessness on her face… It hit me. All at once, while I stood there looking at the smirks on their faces, my heart shattered and darkness started spreading throughout me. 

How can they possibly find this humorous? I’d asked myself over and over again. How can they enjoy my pain like that, not caring about the damage they’re doing? How can they sleep so easily at night while I’m awake crying?

As hours and days passed, I couldn’t get that night out of my head. It replayed over and over again. The laugh, the sarcastic remark, the smiles… I needed an apology from her! It was the least she could do, even if she didn’t fully mean it, right?

Let Go of Grudges – DON’T WAIT ON AN APOLOGY

After the incident, I reached out to the girl and made a few snide remarks on her TikTok – that is – the one she used to post herself dancing in lingerie. Yes, I was petty and rude, and I made sure she knew how mad I was, and how trashy she was. It resulted in me being blocked, of course.

Then I had her Facebook profile pop up one day as People You May Know, and boy-o-boy did I know her!

So I clicked it—seriously…why?

I sent her a long, ruthless message. The tone was extremely passive aggressive, and I called her a coward for not reaching out to me at all after what she did to apologize. I also called her a coward for continuing to block me because she didn’t want to hear the truth of what she’d done.

My resentment spiraled out of control before I even realized it, and once it did, I couldn’t find a way out. I was consumed by pain, self-pity, and rage. I hated her — and, even worse, I began to despise anyone who seemed happy in a loyal relationship.

Eventually, I discovered she married the kid she’d gotten with a month after leaving my boyfriend alone. I was outraged. They’d barely been together, and now they were married?! While I was picking up the pieces of my relationship SHE HELPED CAUSE, she was being turned into a wife.

I thought wives were supposed to be honorable women.

But, in the midst of my fury, I felt a moment of calm wash over me.

When I Found the Truth

Jesus tells us that He is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6). That couldn’t be more true. He provides the way, paving a path for us all to follow. He leads us to God, for we can only reach the Father through Him.

And, He speaks nothing but truth, preaching a message so pure that if everyone listened, the world would be filled with light instead of confusion, peace instead of fear, and love instead of hate. Through Him, we find not only direction, but purpose — a life rooted in grace, forgiveness, and everlasting hope. And through all of this, HE GIVES US LIFE.

I love Jesus so much, and I have to pause a moment to say it, because without Him I wouldn’t be here like I am today. I wouldn’t be healing in the ways I am. For a while, it felt impossible. I fully anticipated those events to haunt me forever, and to kill me early.

But they didn’t.

Jesus saved me.

I love Jesus, and I will follow Him anywhere.

The Sermon on the Mount Holds the Key to Forgiveness

During His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus spoke to His disciples and the gathered crowd. He said:

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14–15, NIV).

But just a bit earlier, Jesus gave us the very key to real forgiveness and a healed heart:

“But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44, ESV).

Love your enemies. Pray for those who persecute you. Jesus tells us this clearly — so why don’t we listen? The freedom God’s Word offers, if we only obey, is immense.

My fellow siblings in Christ, the world begins to shine when we pray for change. Pray for the ability to forgive. Pray for transformation in your own heart. And as you pray, pray also for those who persecute you. If they are in need, help them, love them, as Jesus commands (Luke 6:27–31).

Pray for Your Persecutor

It isn’t easily, I’ll admit. Praying can sometimes feel unbearable. The first few times I tried it, nothing came out of my mouth but gasps for air. I wept on my knees for a while, but even then, when I stood up I felt lighter. The process had already started, and my heart was already being changed and worked on by Almighty God. He could hear my heart. He could feel my pain. And all I had to do was reach out, and He would begin His work, extending his grace to me.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.” Matthew 7:7–8 (ESV)

But, after a while, the words began to form. Sometimes, they weren’t the best prayers, but eventually I put my pride away and really prayed for her. If you’re struggling, let me try and help you. But, even if all you can do is cry at the feet of God, that is enough to start.

A Guided Prayer

1. Begin with God:
“Heavenly Father, I come before You with a heavy heart. You know the hurt, anger, and pain I feel because of what has been done to me. I ask for Your presence and peace as I bring this before You. Give me the strength to get through this.”

2. Acknowledge the hurt:
“Lord, this person has caused me immense pain, and I admit that it’s hard to forgive. I admit I may not want to forgive. My heart feels wounded, and I need Your help to release this burden.”

3. Ask for the ability to forgive:
“Father, help me forgive this person, not because they necessarily deserve it, but because You call me to love as You love. Fill my heart with Your grace so I can let go of anger, resentment, and bitterness. Show me how to give to others the same grace you give to me, Lord.”

4. Pray for the offender:
“God, I pray for my offender [or say the name of the person, if you can muster it—it may take time, and that’s okay]. Bless them, guide them, and work in their life according to Your will. Heal the areas of their heart that cause harm to others, and show them Your love through Your Spirit. I pray that if they do not know You, they find You.”

5. Pray for yourself:
“Lord, guard my heart from bitterness and help me walk in peace. Heal my soul, and let Your light shine through me even in this pain. Teach me to respond with love, patience, and wisdom. Teach me to love like You do.”

6. Close with trust and gratitude:
“Thank You, God, for hearing me. Thank You for the forgiveness and freedom You offer through Jesus Christ. I trust You to work in both my heart and the heart of the person who hurt me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

I’m praying for you, and you will get through this. God Bless.